The Kansas Archives

As we wind down another semester in my "absolutely-less-than-normal" college career, I've been reminded that I haven't written any stories in a while. Quite frankly, this is not because I don't have stories. I've got stories. Stories and lack of motivation to do schoolwork are two things I'm full of these days. Mostly, because I've really enjoyed the semester here. I actually had fun, which is good because despite what I tell people I'm really trying not to attend every school in the Big 12 before my college career is over. (However, the first thing that came up when I searched Baylor was a picture of their cheerleaders and I can without a doubt say that if I'm switching schools it's absolutely without a question going to be to Baylor. Good God.)

But most importantly (because let's be real, no one cares that I'm an idiot and can't chose a school) I've got stories. Some that I can't write, some that I'll change names (false, I'm not changing names, actually I might I don't really know yet) but I have stories. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do this probably some mini stories, a few bullet points maybe a drawing of some events but hey we'll figure it out as we go. Before we start though just be aware that the following includes: friends and I taking the Big 12 QB of the Year to the ER, my inability to hop fences and an arrest for the sale of crack cocaine and prostitution. (You know that game two truths and a lie? One of the previous statements is a lie, I'll give you a hint, the crack one is true. Which at this point I also need to say Mom is you're reading this, um, sorry....)

Anyway without further ado....


I've been at Kansas now for four months and quite frankly I've loved every minute of it. That's a lie, not every minute. Spending a night in a Lawrence jail on Class C felony drugs charges aren't cool. (Right now, I've also got at least one person wondering if this whole crack cocaine incident actually happened. That's all I need. More on this later.)

One thing I learned while being in the middle of Kansas is that it's better than Columbia. I mean I suppose that's a given. Another thing I learned is that some people need GPS collars when attending college.

Meet Gordon (named changed on the account that Gordon's a sweet name), I have two stories I'm going to tell you about Gordon who's one of my best friends here. The first involves a cold January night at a house party on Alabama Street. For the 3.5 people reading this who don't know where Alabama Street is just use your imagination or Google Earth that shit. That's what creepy technology is for.

Anyway it's about, I don't know, we'll say 12:30 am and Stu Reeves and I (name changed again because the name Stu sucks but the name Reeves would be so cool as a first name) and I are walking home with Gordon. Keep in mind it's January in the midwest so there's four inches of snow on the ground. Reeves and I are walking home with Gordon and then all of the sudden Reeves meets some of his friends who are snowboarding down a 12 foot hill (which by the way is about 100x more fun than it sounds.) Anyway while Reeves is doing this and I'm laughing at the fact that he can't make it four feet, Gordon has disappeared. This you're going to learn is a theme. Anyway it's close to one and Reeves and I are mildly worried because we're afraid that Gordon is passed out in snow somewhere catching hypothermia and dying. At this point I call my other very good friend here um, Devin? (We'll do with Devin, never been a fan of names that go with both guys and girls but for rhyming purposes this fits.) Devin tells me he hasn't seen Gordon and is going down to his room to try to find him. Ten minutes later I get a call saying that Devin has found Gordon and I didn't witness it but apparently the following conversation happened in full:

(Outside of Ellsworth Dormitory, on the steps in the snow)
Devin: Gordon what the hell are you doing?
Gordon: Devin, when did you get here?
Devin: Gordon, where are you?
Gordon: Dude, I'm in my room, how'd you get in here?
Devin: Gordon, you're sitting outside of Ells in the snow, this is absolutely not your room.
Gordon: .....

At this point Reeves and I have made it back up to Ells and met up with Gordon and Devin, I'm going to cut a bit of this story out at the request of my lawyer and just take this time to apologize to the University of Kansas Baseball Team. I can't really tell you why, so if you can get it out of one of the four of us best of luck, but we'll cut back to this story as we're walking back up from the baseball field where this following conversation happened:

(Keep in mind this is 45 minutes after we left the stairs next to Ellsworth)

Reeves: Hey guys, I found a wallet.
(Looks around inside the wallet)
Reeves: Gordon... this is YOUR wallet.
Gordon: Oh hey, thanks for that.
Me: You've got to be kidding me.
Devin: Wow, just wow.

We concluded the night by making a 3am IHOP trip where we had a creepy waiter tell us where Penny Hardaway and Jason Kidd went to college.

I had intended to write this whole thing tonight, but the Lakers game just started and the next couple stories I have will take a while. So we'll call this Part I and we'll pick this up tomorrow boys and girls when I'll tell you why cocaine's a hell of a drug. Just kidding but seriously....


PART II

Alright, after a good nights sleep and a Lakers win it appears we're ready for part two. There's not a lot of good part two's in this world, Lion King II sucked, Sandlot II sucked and even the second Scooby Doo movie wasn't as good. With that in mind hopefully I won't disappoint.

The following story involves some questionable decisions, a trip to the ER and a midget hooker. (Again two truths and a lie and the midget is absolutely not a lie.)

This story starts again on Alabama St. If you don't know where Alabama St. is see above or just imagine. If you've ever seen Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory it's pretty much identical to the road that takes them through the editable room. Actually it's 100% like that road, chocolate editable mushrooms and everything. Anyway, it's about 2am and we're leaving Alabama St. on our way to Taco Bell after making some questionable decision involving Memorial Stadium (questionable decisions are going to play a huge role in this story).

So we're in the drive thru line at Taco Bell when Devin calls me and tells me that we have to come back to the dorms right now. I ask him on a scale of 1-7.7 how important this is and he told me that we're looking at an 8.6 situation. For those of you who don't really understand this scale or just numbers in general an 8.6 situation is very, very important. So we leave Taco Bell much to my behest and return to the dorms where the following scene took place:

(I walk up to a group of people surrounding Gordon including Devin and Gordon's roomate Deed)

Me: Jesus, Gordon what the hell happened to you?
Gordon: Ben, I'm Big 12 quarterback of the year.
Me: No you're not.
Devin: Some guy called me from Gordon's phone and said that they found him bloodied up in their driveway, they have no idea what happened to him and neither does he. We gotta get him to the Emergency Room.
Me: Jesus Christ.
Gordon: I'm a Big 12 quarterback, sometimes you gotta take a hit.

The best I can describe this is that Gordon looked like Wolverine from X-Men met Freddy Kreuger. I wanted to get him a Phantom of the Opera mask to wear but I couldn't find one.

Anyway, we're on our way to the ER and Gordon is sitting in the front seat just talking and acting complete nonsense. I mean complete nonsense, like I could've been talking to Godzilla and understood more.

So we arrive at the hospital and the doctor is trying to figure out what happened and he apparently doesn't understand that none of us have a clue why our friend looks like he just spilled hydrochloric acid on his face.

He keeps asking questions and apparently wasn't top of the class in med school. Anyway before they take him back to fix him up or have the FBI interrogate him Devin and I decide that it might be a good idea to ask the doctor if they can put a GPS chip in Gordon so we can track him next time he disappears. Keep in mind that I've been in Kansas for four months and we've already lost Gordon three times.

I'm not sure if the doctor thought we were kidding (we absolutely weren't, we both thought this was a brilliant idea) or if we were just insane but the GPS chip did not happen much to our dismay.

Gordon lasted an hour and a half or so in the ER and hasn't been able to spell "nachos" since. (I have no idea on the spelling thing, just one of the odd injury consequences I guess).

That's just two of the stories I have for you, if I get bored this summer (which is guaranteed to happen) and I feel like writing (which is guaranteed not to happen) I'll have some more up here. Before I go though the following are a list of things that I learned or witnessed that aren't long enough for a story or I just don't have the time.


1. This year I witnessed Dylan Rogers convince everyone on his floor that my name is "Gigantor". This is awesome because I'm almost 100% sure that two girls on his floor legitimately think that the name on my birth certificate is "Gigantor M. Johnston".

2. Speaking of Dylan Rogers, I've also witnessed him verbally abuse people via Chatroulette to the point where I cannot stop crying. Dylan insulting people via the internet is fantastic.

3. I've learned that Kevin Jackson cannot read. Seriously. He's completely illiterate. The following conversation happened while filling out softball lineup cards.

Me: Hey Kev, what's the next girls' name on their roster?
Kev: Uh, it's "Mary", spelled "M-A-R-I-E".

If you don't get why the previous sentence is funny all I can say is keep reading and hopefully at some point it will make sense.

4. Also speaking of Kevin, I've learned that's there's absolutely no filter between what his brain thinks and his mouth says. He's said so many things this semester that are hilarious and yet borderline creepy. I love it. Mike can attest to this.

5. I've seen Mike, Kevin and I eat 18 crab rangoons in less than four minutes. This reminds me if there was an Olympic sport for eating we're the Michael Phelps of said event. This is not debatable.

6. I've been to the GPhi formal this semester without actually going to the formal. That sounds really confusing but it was one of the best time I've had here by far.

7. Speaking of GPhi formals, I've witnessed a kid who at this formal cracked his head open in the frat shower, had his friends super glue it back together and came out with us 30 minutes later. This is extremely stupid and I'd never advise this but boys and girls that's a true champion.

8. I've learned that I can't jump fences and that no matter how much you drink, when your face meets a sidewalk it still hurts. Oops.

9. I've learned that a class C felony for selling crack cocaine is a prison sentence of 7 years. (I mean, um, awkward, this needs to end now...)

And finally...

10. I've learned that coming to school here was the best decision I've ever made.


Hope you enjoyed and until next time

Your friend and mine

- ben